On being me . . . for the next 50 years

Finally, giving myself permission

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Getting lost

Funny thing about getting lost, it doesn’t happen all at once and sometimes you don’t even realize you are lost until you abruptly stop in a unfamiliar place.

That happened to me. Over the course of a few years I kept waking up to a home, husband and kids that were more and more unfamiliar. To use the words of Michael Hyatt and Danial Harkvey “my current reality didn’t match up with my envision future.”

I’m lost, now what

When I turned 50, it wasn’t just turning . . . it is more of a circling back.

Because when you are lost you often double back. I learned that from rabbits.

I wrote about what it meant for me to turn 50 in this article. One of the main points is that I set the intention for that moment as starting over. Hitting the reset button. Taking all of my history and use it to truly become the most joyful person I know. As I circle back, I plan to use all that knowledge and wisdom.

How did I even get here?

I have a vision, not a timeline. Without exaggeration, I can easily say that my entire life up until this point has been serving others. At times I have been grossly taken advantage of and I acknowledge it but I chose not to be defined by those experiences. I’ve had to take a painful inventory of my life.

It is important to understand the path that led me to the unrecognizable place of my life, understanding the past so I won’t repeat it.

I have a very wise friend Meg. She explained to me how having “right relationships” is important, crucial. I began to look at all of my relationships and began a long process of asking,

Is this for the highest good for all involved?

In answering this question I could begin to see things clearly. To make changes that are for the highest good. It also meant that I let certain relationships fall away or redefine them. This was heartbreaking at times but being in “right relationship” is so amazing. To sit with someone and know that person has your back . . . a beautiful thing.

I am still in the inventory phase of my relationships and I’m sure it will be a life long process. What is thrilling is the intention of interaction. With people the planet, animals, it all has meaning.

Every moment has meaning. I get that now.

As I begin my journey back “home” I feel very confident that I can do it my own way. I’m going to stop listening to the noise of the world. Several years ago I decided to start my own business — I took two different online classes that promised a life that I thought I wanted. I was completely enamored at that thought of sharing my gifts with the world a mix of Martha Stewart and Oprah. Guess what? It didn’t work out exactly how I planned.

Another fail was finding a Mastermind group to “help” me with finding this life I wanted. Years passed, wrong roads traveled and nothing lead me to where I wanted to go.

I was emotionally homeless.

The more I tried. The more I failed. I kept trying. I never ever stopped to consider is this for the highest good? Am I creating “right relationships”? I wasn’t. The blogs (yes plural), the cooking show, the jewelry business . . . all dead ends. Or were they? I could beat myself up and think that I’m a loser for trying all these different ideas out or I could give myself Kudos for my curiosity and adventurous spirit.

My dream house/life is waiting for me to come home

I can see it. My vision of “Babcia House” is clear in my mind. I know how I want to feel each night when I go to bed. I adore the very small group of people in my life. I want to leave behind most of the social media hype and live as a solitudinarian. What I love about Martha Stewart and Oprah — I can do on my own small scale.

I trust that every road I’ve taken has led me to this place, I trust the lessons I’ve learned along the way I will have an opportunity to teach, as I forgive, I will be forgiven. I can see the love and beauty in each person I meet.

We are all walking each other home.

I’m giving myself permission. I will serve this world in my own unique way as I double back for the next 50 years. I am not embarrassed to live a sacred life. It is who I am trying to be everyday. Some days are better than others. I found this prayer, I read it every day and attempt to live it:

May I be a guard for those who need protection

A guide for those on the path

A boat, a raft, a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood

May I be a lamp in the darkness

A resting place for the weary

A healing medicine for all who are sick

A vase of plenty, a tree of miracles

And for the boundless multitudes of living beings

May I bring sustenance and awakening

Enduring like the earth and sky

Until all beings are freed from sorrow

And all are awakened.

- Shantideva, Indian Buddhist sage 700 A.D. Prayer performed each morning by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

If you too find yourself lost, just know you WILL find your way home. You are not alone.